When and how to intervene siblings' fight ?

Keeping the peace between dueling siblings is no easy task and playing judge to their conflict may make the situation worse. Resentment may ensue if you take sides, even if one child is completely and totally within their rights. Alternatively, you can allow them to work things out themselves but, depending on their age and level of development, that may not pan out either – you may end up allowing one child to get away with inappropriate or bullying behaviour.

Nine times out of ten siblings simply become stuck in conflicts they are unable to resolve. Ultimately your goal as a parent should be not to intervene but to teach – give them the skills they need to reach a resolution. Helping your children develop these skills may even be a proactive step in reducing conflicts between them.

Teaching Conflict Resolution Skills

1. Negotiation and problem-solving skills.

Help you children learn about turn-taking, dividing possessions and negotiation. Instead of taking from their siblings, show your child how asking for a turn or offering something in exchange is a more peaceful way of acquiring what they want.

2. Self-management techniques.

Children are not very good at regulating their emotions and tend to lash out when frustrated or angry. It’s important that your kids understand that hitting, biting, pushing and other aggressive behaviours are unacceptable – it is equally important that children know what behaviours are appropriate. Teach your child to take a break, walk away or even take deep breaths when upset. There is nothing wrong with retreating to one’s room, listening to music or needing time outside to deal with anger. Help your child understand what they are feeling by helping them to label it. For example, “You are mad,” or, “I can see you are frustrated.” Identifying emotions is crucial in learning how to manage themselves.

3. Role-play.

Role-playing situations with your kids may seem awkward and embarrassing, but practicing how to behave during a conflict will provide your child with valuable resolution skills. Discuss different scenarios with your children, such as if one sibling ruins another siblings artwork, and how they can appropriately deal with the situation. Some examples could be to tell the sibling what they did was hurtful, find a parent or walk away and create a new piece of art.

4. Be a role model.

Children learn what they see and if you and other adults in your life are unable to handle conflict appropriately, your kids certainly are not going to. Make sure to model the behaviour you wish your children to emulate by exerting calm and reason when dealing with conflicts.

As proactive as you try to be in avoiding sibling fights, they will happen and if you must intervene there are things you should remember:

• Stay calm.
• Don’t take sides.
• Remind them of the rules. (No hitting, no yelling, etc.)
• If both children are upset, separate them.
• Be empathetic and understanding of how your children are feeling.
• Model appropriate behaviour or give them the right words to resolve the conflict.
• Once everyone has calmed, gather together to discuss the situation.

Children will fight and becoming involved in conflict is a part of their social development. Resolution and calming skills do not come naturally to children and must be learned like many skills in their life. The best you can do is to provide them the tools and abilities to problem-solve their conflicts.